I have been wanting to do this forever: write my own blog. Countless diaries and notebooks full of texts, stories, poems, thoughts, impressions, experiences are stuffed into the space under my queen-size bed. My computer has a special library called "writings". It grows weekly and keeps me sane.
But no one ever read or even laid eyes upon them. In my imagination I see my grandchildren (which I don't have, yet) sitting cross-legged on the bedroom floor, leaning with their backs against the queen-size bed and leafing through these pages full of words, trying to make sense of them, after I am gone. How long will it take them to work through the endless scribblings till they filter out what to scrap and what is worth keeping in order to put together a readable biography? What kind of a picture will it present of their grandmother? Will they find documents, that will turn her into an admirable woman with a fascinating life story in everyones' eyes, or will they read texts which will make them lose respect and put out a shocking account of the dark side of her personality?
I will spare them the twinges of conscience, and I will spare myself the embarrassment, for I don't even know how I myself would understand today, what I poured out on paper over the years. Should they find the boxes of my handwritten stuff from age 12 on, simply because I did not have the stomach to throw them out myself, they should know, that a biography is not expected and the poems have been collecting dust for good reason. No disacknowledged genius is hidden among the pages buried underneath my mattress and no revolutionary philosophy will emanate from between the lines.
I may, however, be able to touch someone here or there with what I have to say. Somebody may find his/her own thoughts reflected and feelings articulated, while somebody else may discover a different angle to view certain aspects of reality or to look at experiences life presents us with. Maybe some soul will even draw a little inspiration.
Therefore I am taking it upon myself to share my writings and assume responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and ideas right here and now. "It has always been on the written page that the world has come into focus for me" - Nancy Horan in "Loving Frank". This quote probably expresses best for those of us, who feel compelled to write, why we started it, before we were taken on a journey we didn't really plan, just like we are by life itself. So this is where I begin to take charge of this journey, try to determine its direction and reach a preset destination in the undoubted confidence that it is impossible to do, but with the almost insane knowledge that I must try.
For now, I simply hope you'll read and actually enjoy a little.
tulip writing
