This is not a love story; you are not my knight in shiny armor. I was not swept off my feet at first sight, my heart did not stop beating, the butterflies in my stomach remained indifferent. We did not share corny dreams while lying in each others arms, before falling asleep. We never had the urge to share each and every thought with each other and probably the only reason for the pain of good-bye in the morning might be that it could be the last for good.
Yet, I miss your touch and the warmth it would send through my body. I miss feeling it spread slowly into every muscle, causing them to relax and soften, till my whole body would feel comfortable to be in. And from within this comfort I would remember that joy is not something one can gain by fighting, but only feel in times of relaxation. The exertion would stop for a while and I could just be.
Being with you would ease the anguish of struggling through life alone and schlepping the weight of all responsibility on my own. The smell of your skin would make my loneliness bearable and my fears endurable. And even in your absence you would still keep me from crying in the middle of the night. The mere thought of being in your arms and feel the warmth and strength of your body envelope me could take me there. I could drift back into the heat that would embrace me, when your presence fills the emptiness of the night. There is nothing I would need, but your desire for me, pushing out the agony that comes with the cold of lonely nights. Your passion would cover the nagging feeling of hopelessness and your tenderness would soothe the burning anxiety of feeling lost in the ocean of life, which I have not mastered. You would wrap me into a romantic illusion I could flee into, when the hollow night opens up, just by remembering the sound of your breath close to my ear. When your hands would touch my hair and face they would become the world. A world I could enter in my mind that would bring on the gentle sensation of being loved, which again surrounds me to comfort my troubled mind and help me fall asleep.
But the longer you stay away, the more the illusion fades and the harder it becomes to bring the sensation alive. The more nights I spend alone, the more stubbornly my anxieties stay around and fight off the sense of tranquility that my thinking of you might bring on.
Let it not be the last for good. Till I find true love, keep me wrapped inside this sensation, let me at least feel as if. Help me keep alive the place in my mind I can escape to when I am about to lose all hope. Take me there again, so I can keep from trembling when confusion strikes and I need some place to hold on to.
